Insecurity: The Fascination

Insecurity is such a weird and fascinating thing to me. An individual can have a completely skewed or unrepresentative view of themselves based on a past self. A past appearance. A past intellect. A past action. A past personality. Someone can think of himself or herself in a way nobody else can imagine. Insecurity brings a dark, dark loneliness.


I can see the image. I've lived this. A girl, much like myself, looking down and grabbing the skin that protects her midsection. Over the years she has grown to hate the protective organ, wishing it wouldn't wrinkle or scar the way it had. A tear rolls down her cheek and she begins pulling it forward. She feels a little bit of pudge under her fingers and her tears start flowing freely. She feels this "disgusting" fat and wonders when she will ever get rid of it. She grows light headed because she has "forgotten" to eat for the past two days. She felt weak physically but emotionally she felt strong until this moment. She was proud of her strength against food. But, she thought it would've paid off by now. She was certain that her numerous daily trips to the scale had reassured her of her emaciating body. But, it wasn't enough. She was repulsed by her reflection. Her head starts spinning not because of the lack of food but because of the overwhelming self-hatred that is thrown onto her. Ringing in her head are the words "why me?! Why don't others have this? Why am I the only one with this hideous addition to their midsections when I work so hard to stay thin?" She doesn't realize most people are do too..they just don't obsess over it. Why then is she so preoccupied by it? She used to be bigger--she used to have fat. She was never actually fat. But she has been scarred from the name-calling of elementary school boys, she has been scarred for years throughout her youth and now, years later and several pounds less, she still has the same elementary view of herself. She's the same person who was bullied, she just looks different but she feels the same. She's trying to escape those words in the best way she knows how--make them inapplicable to her. She wants to make those words look so ridiculous in association to her that they will never be used again--even as a joke. Those words echo in her head and she finds ugliness in her beautiful body. She finds mistakes in her beautiful face. Why? Because somewhere along the way, she was called ugly. Somewhere along the way, she was convinced that her being was ugly. Now, she will occasionally try to open up and tell a friend. She mumbles through the words "I feel fat". The words make her nauseated and she will try to maintain her composure but her friend will laugh it off. She'll say "shut up, you're beautiful and you know it." Her friend thinks she's joking. People who overhear will think she's fishing for compliments. They'll tell her to shut up-but in a ruder disposition than her friend. It stings. It hurts more than anybody could imagine but nobody acknowledges it. She gets ignored in her darkest moment because others cannot take her seriously. She feels invisible. She voiced a real concern. A true insecurity that is eating away at her and she cannot even confide in her best friend for comfort--for understanding--for compassion. She was scarred long ago and can't find the tools to recover. Nobody will give her the tools to recover because she's beautiful and thin to them. They can't fathom why this girl would ever think of herself in a negative light. They will never believe that she feels ugly. They will never understand why she feels fat. They will continue to ignore her and not give her a shoulder to lean on. She is alone and her insecurity grows. It eats away at her until one day she breaks or decides she has had enough.