Random Thoughts

I.

I know how you're struggling. 

I am too.

This feeling you write about, I know way too well.

When I got mad because of your death wishes it's because I've had far too many. I've wanted to die more times than I could say. I feel ashamed that I felt that way but it's true. And all because I felt lonely, pathetic, ugly, worthless. I know how you feel and I wish you'd talk to me. When you said those words I had intense flashbacks.

Sitting on my bathroom floor, thinking about shoving my fingers down my throat only to mask the real pain I felt inside. I did it. I couldn't throw up. I tried. Over and over and over........

Curled up into a ball on my bed with sharp objects ready to cut into my own flesh. I stopped when I saw blood. Religion stopped me.  

I wanted pain that would distract me. Physical pain is more tolerable than emotional pain. 

Why do you think I started exercising so much? Why do you think I push myself so hard? It's a more socially acceptable form of pain. I grew to love it. The pain was exhilarating. It was a distraction. I just needed a distraction from my loneliness. From my death wishes. From emotional pain.

Those flashbacks angered me and I'm sorry. Forgive me. Whether I am one of your close friends, you are one of my very close friends. I wish you trusted me enough to talk to me. I'm here for those I love and all my friends are included in that-you too. 

II. 

I look back at my life. I think about how loneliness has affected me. I starved myself because I thought I was too fat to find someone who could love me. I thought I was too ugly for someone to even look at me. I decided I'll starve myself to death--literally. I wanted to die when I realized nobody wants me either way-fat or thin. I needed new ways to explain it. I needed new ways to explain the fact that I am a lone soul--just floating around without even a potential significant other. My personality is shit-that is my explanation. I came to believe I'm just not likable or lovable. This is where I stand today. Stuck on this explanation. Stuck here because I have no where else to go. I don't think I'm hideous-maybe not. Maybe I am and my friends all lie to me. Nothing else explains this aspect of life. My situation. Everything is dark in my world. I pretend to be ok. I fake laughs. I fake happiness. Above all else, I fake sanity. I'm stuck in autopilot. I run through the motions. I just obey. I do what I'm told. I do what I think I need to do. I am bored, in general. I zone out a lot. My friends have noticed. "What's wrong, Elhaums?" They don't know about the war in my head I drift off to. The place I hate going but have no choice. It's just emptiness in my chest. "What's wrong, Elhaums?" The lonely hollow pang in my chest intensifies. I know I won't find a man to spend my life with. That's the worst of it. I thought I found someone but I haven't found anyone. He's exactly like me. I knew if I had a chance, it would've worked. "Bad timing". I wanted so badly to press my lips against his but who am I kidding? Why would anybody want me? A loud scoffing laugh echoes in my head. I know nobody I want will show up. I know I may just end up in a loveless marriage-just like everybody I've ever known-forcing myself to marry a clown my father puts in front of me. Tears overflow.

III.

I know people laugh at me. They think I'm pathetic. They think I don't know these feelings I speak of because I've never had any sort of romantic relationship. Whether it's of substance or not. I've literally had nothing. Right now, I'm laying in bed. It's almost 3 AM. I'm awake. This happens often. More often than I'd like people to know. Why am I awake? I keep imagining somebody on the other side of my bed. Anybody. I wonder what it would feel like to have intertwining limbs. To have someone here to comfort me. To kiss me. To hug me. To just hold me. I wonder because I've never known such simple affection. People think I don't know what I am feeling but I know. I do know these feelings. It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Intense longing feelings keep me awake all night. I miss people I've never had. It's 4 AM. I doze off for a moment and see a happy life and I'm abruptly awaken. Even my subconscious knows that's a joke. It's 6 AM. It's 9 AM and I'm still awake. Imagining. Hoping. Wishing. Praying. But good things don't come to girls like me. 

I, too, have heard the same repetitive banal pep-talks. They disgust me. Empty promises. Empty remarks that cannot be proven. "You'll find someone when it's right". It's just a way to shut me up. It's just a way to momentarily put hope in me. But it's worthless. 

IV.

I'm not saying all this to say I have it worse. I'm saying it to say I empathize. I know. You're not alone. You're not worthless. You're not invisible. My therapist told me to love myself first. To  meet my primary needs by myself and to find someone for my secondary ones. She told me the root of my depression is not what I think. It isn't my lack of affection. I thought it was. I think it is. But she told me to focus on taking care of my primary needs like happiness. She said I have a life I have to share with my partner. Not give my life to him. She said if I find someone, I may not come out of depression if I go on like this. I have been working on it. It's helping. I want you to try it.  

I wish I could fix my friends somehow though. I wish I could help them before I help myself. I wish I knew how. I worry about everybody. I wonder if that's my purpose in life. Just fixing others because that's all I want do. That's all I know how to do. I'm holding myself together with tape. I've not healed but I give a good illusion of it. I'm slowly healing with certain therapy methods I've learned. Ask me. I may be able to help. Sometimes I realize I want to help everybody else because I've lost hope in myself. I just want to help my friends be happy. I want them to be happy. I don't want them to feel what I'm feeling. It's shitty. I push for them to be better than me. It hurts when I know they're hurting like me. Maybe it's just a distraction from my own life. Whatever it is, it sucks. And I get it.