Over the past few weeks, I've run into various bloggers telling the world what recovery means to them. After reading the first few posts, I closed my laptop, curled up into a ball, and began wallowing in tears. I remember exactly what it felt like being trapped in the midst of an eating disorder. I remember the helpless feeling, self-loathing, completely disgusted, and low feeling. I remember the days I'd sit in my room pulling on my belly fat praying it would just come off. I remember thinking what it would feel like to just cut it off, mutilate my own body. I remember slowly removing my clothes and crying with every article of clothing that fell off, mourning their loss. Mourning the loss of cloth that hid my hideousness from the world. I remember getting a new wave of motivation in a completely wrong and horrid way. I remember halting my food intake for days at a time because I was determined to be thin like my friends. I would scroll through health and fitness blogs and wish I could be them. I wished I could eat and be that lean and beautiful. Many years later, here I am. My intake is still not where it needs to be but I'm working on it after my discovery of reverse dieting. I will get my intake to where it needs to be and I will do it well. I'm a stubborn person. I always have been. When I want something, I'll get it and this reverse is no different. My stubborn attitude is what threw me into the darkest and deepest parts of my disorder. I knew I wanted to be thin and I was willing to do whatever it took to get there. Today, I don't care about the scale, I just care about being happy.
Lately, I've been thinking of what recovery has meant to me. Well, at this moment, as I sit here typing this post, that answer is easy. Recovery means sharing my experiences with the world. Recovery means helping others with my experiences and being happy with who I am. I want to spread the truth about eating disorders, of my own experiences, the way I would justify it to myself. I want to let the young girls of the new generations know that we can all justify these horrid acts to ourselves, but the fact of the matter is that your body IS different and unique in its own way but it's not different in the fact that it NEEDS fuel. It NEEDS to be fed. Your metabolism isn't one that just doesn't take in more than 500 calories naturally. Before starting my reverse diet, I found myself going back to the ED thoughts. I was thinking "well first I need to lose fat before I reverse diet" even though my maintenance intake was too low to begin with. I woke up and decided to just go for it. I'm on day 8 and I'm going strong.
If any of you want to talk you're more than welcome to email me either at elmortazi@sbcglobal.net or ellielangr@gmail.com
:)
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