Wedding Tears

A couple of nights ago my family and I attended a wedding. I had not been to a wedding in a long long time and I was determined to have a great time. I got dressed up, did my makeup, and tried to suprpress the old eating disorder/body dysmorphia thoughts that creep into my head every time I put on a dress. We took a few pictures before leaving. I was trying to even forget about weight - why would I concern myself with something so petty when a couple is coming together for life? This is supposed to be a happy day! I drag my camera out and a few seconds after I started taking pictures, my aunt and mother started saying things like "figure out an angle that makes me look thin and not this ugly", "take my pictures better, I look fat and gross", etc. I ignored these comments because I have had to deal with such things from my aunt and mother daily. I remember when I was a child, my mother would complain about being "fat" and my aunt would starve herself in the hopes of becoming "beautiful". I tried to put all this out of my head for the night.

Upon arrival to the wedding party, I was asked to take some pictures of my mom and her friends. All of them made some sort of comment about being "fat" and how they were so beautiful when they were young and thin. One of the women came up to me, in front of her 7 year old daughter, and said "Ellie, can you take my pictures again? I look too fat. I don't want to look this bad in my pictures!" I almost lost it. I was taken aback. Why would she say such things in front her her daughter? By this comment she has told her daughter that she will only be beautiful if she's a size 2. The second her daughter unintentionally gains a bit of weight - which is inevitable around puberty - she will start to be insecure about her body because her mother has conditioned her into thinking beautiful means thin. These things bother me. Since when was thin the only standard of beauty? Since when do women have to be thin in order to be considered pretty? Who made this a standard?! Why has everybody accepted it to be true?! I think this is what is ruining so many girls today.

These comments would have bothered me on a more personal level a few years ago. I would have looked at myself, then looked at my sister and then best friend who are beautifully slender. Yes, they're beautiful women but that's not how I would have taken it. I would have thought "they're beautiful and thin, I'm not thin, this means I'm ugly." I know this is wrong. I know now that this is childish and stupid, however, when a child is raised with the mentality that only skinny is pretty, what more do you expect from him or her? After seeing them and hearing only compliments directed towards their "thing barbie-like beautiful appearances" I would have figured out a way to starve myself for the next few months without anybody realizing it. I would have failed at losing weight and I would have fallen into a long depression that I tried to hide from everybody - even those closest to me. People need to be aware of the comments they make. People need to be aware of what they say in front of their children so that they don't project insecurities onto them. Women, especially, have to be aware of their daughters' self-esteem. If children see that their mothers are never happy with their appearances, what will they think? They will find reasons to hate their own bodies. Their mothers -- the women they find so beautiful and perfect -- hate their bodies. They hate their stomachs, they hate their legs, they hate their boobs, etc -- the same structures their daughters have inherited. They will see all the things they take after their mothers, and will begin to develop a low self-esteem before they have even entered their harsh appearance-based society. Don't you think children get enough criticism about their appearance in society? TV shows, movies, magazines, schools -- these are all places they are exposed to an unhealthy obsession with thin girls. Don't you think they should be able to take a break from this at home? They should have a safe place. They need someplace they can stop thinking about bodies.

These kids will in turn take "thin" as their standard of beauty. This is where the bullying of other kids start. This is where name calling starts. Children who are not so "thin" are made fun of endlessly because they've been told from the day they were born, that they have to be skinny to be attractive. Those children who have had the opportunity to be children-the children whose mothers did not project their insecurities onto them - the kids who do not naturally have a slender frame - will be excluded from games with children their own age. They will be called names and become the subject of many "fat" jokes. The bullying children don't really have a fault either. They have been taught by their mothers that bullying is ok. "Mom constantly talks down on her own body for being fat! Mom bullies herself. Mom hates her body because she's fat! This means fat is bad. This means fat is ugly. If mom bullies herself why can't I bully others?" Before a mother decides to talk down on herself in front of her child, she must realize that this will have a domino affect and not only ruin her kids' perception of body image, but it will bleed into the rest of society and possibly negatively affect another child.

The children being bullied will either grow to be apathetic or they, like me, will start to fall into starvation and an eating disorder. They will develop body dysmorphia and won't ever be happy with themselves again. So please, be careful of what you say in front of others -- especially children. You don't know who has an eating disorder. You don't know who you could negatively affect even though that may not be your intention. Be happy. Be proud. Seek better, but never talk down on yourself. Be hungry but never satisfied - just show it in a healthy way.