As I am going through my junior year of college I have realized I need to re-evaluate my priorities. I have always viewed myself as a capable person. Quitting is definitely not in my dictionary; my pride would not allow me to use that word in association with myself. I fight through and complete even the most difficult tasks, however, this semester has tested me in every way possible. I am on the executive board of Student Congress which is a bit more than a full time time job, have a fellowship with a campaign, and an LSAT class which takes up 6 hours a week; in addition to studying for exams and LSAT. I was juggling all of this while being a commuter student. I realized I was doing too much. I was starting to neglect my body; eating anything available to me for the sake of time. I was growing unhappier by the day. I was uncomfortable in the changes in my body, I was uncomfortable with my grades, and I was stressed trying to study for my classes and cramming in workouts whenever possible. I was so tired, I started slacking in my quick workouts I somehow managed to squeeze into my day. I was out every single day from 8 AM to around 10 PM, nonstop with no time to rest. I would start my studying when I got home. I was struggling and constantly unhappy. I needed a change. I needed to prioritize my activities; but my pride would not allow me to do so. I realized my stress was leading me restricting my intake, again. This scared me. I didn't want to go back there. I decided my health was more important than my pride. I demoted myself from a campaign fellow to just a volunteer. As much as I wish I could be involved at the fellow level. I essentially had to choose between my sanity/health and earning one more building block for my future. Was I going to just stick it out with the campaign just to say I did it? I didn't have time to devote to the project and knew I didn't want to be a part of something to which I couldn't devote 100%. I wasn't content with my decision to leave, however, now I feel happy with my decision to leave the fellowship.
This moves me on to my next point. Law school. I started to have extreme anxiety about law school two months ago. Questions were flooding my mind and I couldn't sort them. "If I could barely handle this how am I supposed to handle law school?" "What if I fail in life?" "What if I'm not as successful as my parents? What if I don't live up to their expectations?" As all of these thoughts cascaded through my brain I immediately realized something that I am extremely grateful for. Live for yourself. Live your life from day to day. Take life one step at a time. I know that sounds corny. I know you hear that all the time and take it with a grain of salt. However, if you truly think about the words and analyze them you'll realize it's the best way to go through life. Do not compare yourself to your parents. Do not compare yourself to your classmates. Do not compare yourself to anybody. Truly pave your own path through life. Live a life nobody else has dared to live. That is when you'll really find yourself. You'll figure out who you really are and what makes you happy. There's no way you can make every other person happy so quit trying! You have to truly get to know yourself, which requires more time and energy than you may think! However, it is extremely worth it in the long run.
For the longest time I have been worried about the path my life would take. I'm 20 years old; 21 in June. I have not had a boyfriend. I've never been on a date. Hell, I don't think I've even properly talked to a guy with the intentions of dating him. This bothers me to a great extent. This is something I've started to work on. The first thing I had to get over was the fact that I was comparing myself to other 20-21 year old girls around me. Every time somebody is informed about my relationship status or my experiences (or lack thereof) I get scoffed at. I can read the judgement in the eyes of other girls, as if they're thinking "what is wrong with her?" Their glares pierce right into my heart, making my loneliness even more apparent. Guys laugh and scream "why" sarcastically. Clearly, something has to be wrong with me for me not to just take any guy, right? Wrong. Guys back off the second they hear that I've never even been kissed but why? Should they be that cowardly? Should they not have confidence in themselves that much that they cannot be with a girl who actually has expectations? Interestingly enough, people (primarily men) say things like "stay pure, that's what everybody likes!" However, when we follow that advice suddenly we are a repellent for the opposite sex. Having standards is "wrong". Having morals makes me "odd". If that makes me odd then so be it. I have realized that I don't need the approval of my peers. I used to stay up countless nights upset with the remarks made about me. I would re-evaluate myself day after day. I wanted to change who I am to be able to find somebody who can put up with me. "Is that what people really think of me? They think I'm a mean person? They think I am actually aggressive?" These words truly hurt me and I tried to change it. However, now I know I want somebody who is willing to take me as I am. "You're loud, Ellie, that scares guys!" or "You're confident, Ellie, so guys are intimidated!" At the same time if you show an insecurity others will reply "guys like confident girls, Ellie, don't show you're anything less than confident!" I would cry myself to sleep because of my extreme confusion, not knowing what to do; vowing to myself, every night, that I would be quieter, that I would act more confident, but that I wouldn't be so confident that it scared others off. But I realized, living for other's is not what life is all about. Sure, maybe I won't find a boyfriend. Maybe I'll end up single with a dozen cats. Does it really matter if I'm not allowed to be myself? If a guy is scared off because I take my relationships seriously, then let that happen. It's a good filter for those boys just trying to play. Do I get lonely? All the time. Do I still cry myself to sleep? Yes. However, I have too much respect for myself to allow myself to be used. I don't want to have my heart broken like all of my friends. Mentally, in this aspect of my life, I am still not happy, however, I have to go on living as though I am. I have to stop comparing myself to others, their relationships, their lives. I have to let my life happen to me. Maybe, my life is lazy and moves a bit slower than everybody else's but that's perfectly fine. I will allow my life to take its path. I am done feeling like there's something wrong with me. In reality, something is wrong with this society. Something is wrong with the fact that relationships aren't taken seriously anymore. Something is wrong with the fact that men (and women!) get into relationships only to have a steady sex partner, and as soon as things get rough, they leave. I think I'd rather be lonely for the rest of my life than to allow myself to be used that much. I've gotten to know myself a lot more lately and I know that I am a very hyper-emotional person. If something that big were to go wrong in my life, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Words affect me greatly and I know that if one person I claimed to have loved ever calls me wrong names, it will tear me apart.
I know Allah has a plan for me. I know He will take care of me. I have to trust in Him. He will bring the right, mature people into my life. He will decide if I need anything else in my life. For now, I have stopped caring what everybody else thinks of me. I will just do what I think is best. Who is to say that the rest of the world is right and I'm the odd one? This society we are living in is extremely flawed and I don't want to be another victim of it.
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