I'm graduating law school in a month. I made great friends here. I still have my old friends back home. I'm moving back to Texas. I am going to people I love in every way. I'm happy but I still have an intense loneliness. I can't wait til that is resolved as well.

Trash.

Sometimes I wonder if the universe or God string events together like a roadmap. Are there reasons that certain relationships (both platonic and otherwise) have such a long buildup? Is there a reason that throughout my life, there have been dramatic year-long buildups that fizzle out into nothing? I've always struggled with the meaning behind these occurrences; trying to make sense of it all.

It can't be over, I always replay over and over. It never began but was built up for 5 years. I always decide that it was to teach me a lesson. I fold up the thought and put it away. But, I'm tired of the lessons without any physical lasting benefit. I don't know why, but things don't ever work out.

Relationships around me are all miserable. My mother and my father; her friends and their husbands, my aunts and uncles and their spouses, my friends' parents, my grandparents, etc. All of them have been toxic. All of them are abusive. All of them ended up being miserable because their husbands could not maintain civility. Maybe this is why I'm struggling so hard. Maybe I'm being protected by myself and a higher power. Or maybe that's just a coping mechanism I use to be able to stay single for 22 years.

My entire life, every man I've had a romantic interest in has ended up to be useless. I've never experienced kindness or fondness from any of them. They always shoot me a text after a long day, around 11 PM, asking me what I'm doing; not caring what I'm actually doing. They just care that I'm free enough to drop everything to cater to them, to see if I have enough time in my day for them to come over and pleasure themselves, not giving a shit who I am or what I feel.

My friend recently asked me why I even put up with texts that come every so often for a meaningless small talk conversation. The answer to that is some attention (however meaningless) is better than none. Because if I don't entertain that idea, then I have nobody, nothing at all. I don't have the luxury of being picky, of saying "next" when there is no "next." Some girls can pick and choose. I just sit here. Waiting. Hoping. Wishing. Then can't let go of the poor excuse of a man who talks to me. Is that desperation? I don't know, but I feel it and that makes me even more miserable.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being interested in a person but them not caring about me as a person at all except the curvatures of my body. I doubt they can even recognize my face. It seems that they don't even ask. Every guy who has been attracted to me and has seen a mutual interest, has decided to just text me spontaneously, every so often, just to see what I'm doing at the moment or to keep my interest long enough to catch me at a time we're mutually bored.

I've gotten to know these guys so well, about their past, their families, their feelings, and everything in between. I have paid attention to their personalities and everything I can pick up on that makes them unique.

You're probably wondering what they know about me if I know so much about them. Honestly, I don't know if they can tell you anything about me, because they never asked. Yeah, they may tell you I'm in law school, that I have a big ass, and that I lift. They can describe to you physical attributes and a few shallow and vague things about me, if they even remember. They don't know me though and they never tried. These are things anybody with eyes could tell you though. They can't tell you about me as a person because they don't see me as a person. None of them do.

I can't explain to you the unbearable frustration that goes along with this. Being nonhuman. Being an object. Being something they view as a place to unload.

I don't even know why? I entertain the idea from loneliness, trying to reason that it's better than nothing, but I'm too smart to convince myself of that. I'm too smart to allow myself to get hurt that deeply. I know I'm emotional and I know I get attached. I am willing to force myself to do so with a person who actually treats me like a person, or a friend. I just can't do that with these useless guys. I see right through them.

The most frustrating part about all this is that I know myself and I know I am caring and loving and kind. I give my time and my entire existence to people who ask for it. I sit up with them all night making sure they're ok. I do anything for the people I care about just to see them smile for a second. I just care for people. It's just sad that nobody can afford me the same courtesy. I have amazing friends who care about me, but there's an emptiness those friends cannot fill. Especially since they're so long distance.

I hear stories of how my friends get treated by men. I don't see it but I hear it. I see how men can care. I see how they have hearts but just not for me. They treat me like a cheap whore and back off as soon as I don't want to fuck them and their big egos. The next girl they meet though, they're suddenly "in love." With me? Is it possible to love someone like me? They always leave me before anything happens, taking the little attention they gave me twice a week. Leaving me to question myself. They treat me like I don't matter. I don't think a single guy in my entire life has ever taken the time to get to know who I am. None of them know about my interests, about my dislikes, about my struggles, about anything at all. They don't know and they don't care.

They'll comment on how beautiful I am. They'll comment on my ass or my lips, or the way they've "never seen me wear a low cut top." They'll objectify me but they refuse to see me as a human being.

I guess this is why I feel hurt without ever loving before. My heart is broken and I can't even link that to a specific person. I can't trust, without ever trusting before. It's bad. I haven't dated, I haven't even kissed guys, I haven't benefited from this treatment in any way. Just negative things. Just dislike and discomfort. Just tears and humiliation.

I try not to care. I try to go about my life living like none of this even matters, because to a lot of people, it doesn't matter. They're happy alone, and I envy them.

I can't really concentrate on anything anymore because I'm so lonely. You may tell me to snap out of it, but I can't. I'm physically aching. I just need human touch and compassion. It may sound pathetic but it's true.

There's this scale. New relationships don't let you concentrate on school because that person is all you think about. But with intense loneliness, the type I've experiences (most of you don't even know how it feels), comes lack of concentration too. I sit in the corner and analyze myself, depressed about the fact that nobody can love me, nobody even wants to. I can't do anything because I feel sad, replaying any ounce of male attention in my head, wishing I at least kissed that guy that one time, what's a broken heart? I have one anyway.

I wanted them to be attracted to me when I was younger. I did so much to make sure that happens. I now realize that isn't even the problem. It's how they view me and I don't know how to change that. I'm an emotional person. I'm a good person. I don't deserve being treated like trash.

Anyway, there's another long buildup in my life. We've been acquaintances for a few years and now it's an attraction (that he has confessed) but he doesn't talk to me often. Just sometimes, and about the usual things I've already explained.

I just want to know why God does this to me. Why do I constantly have to learn lessons? Why can't I enjoy something for once? Why can't I be the one with a happy life for a while? Why do I have to be so miserably lonely that I can't even read my constitutional law book in preparation for my class at 11. Instead, I'm sitting here writing this out. Hoping, wishing, wanting that something will change in my life.

Ever since I was 15 years old, I've been praying for this. And as dumb as it sounds, I was always a sexually curious child. That aspect of my life has not been fulfilled either and it's driving me so crazy I don't know how to go forward. I'm going crazy. I need love and sex and everything that comes with it. I just don't want either by itself. Maybe I need to settle, and put my feelings aside. But, I want both together. I want the possibility of love, at least. I want to trust before I allow myself to become that attached after a physical encounter.

My family was always a mess. I can't even call my parents' house "home." I stopped feeling at home around the age of 16. I haven't felt that sanctuary safe feeling in a long time. I don't get homesick. I don't want to go back there. It's an abusive environment because of my father. His relationship with the entire family puts me on edge. I can't do that anymore. I don't like to be mentally abused. I don't like to be physically threatened. I don't like seeing my mother emotionally abused, threatened daily. I just can't stand it. I don't like anything he does to me when I see him on a daily basis. I don't like my parents' house. I don't feel at home there. You may be thinking that I'm looking for a "home" in a guy. You're correct. That's the definition of daddy issues, right?

Maybe it is. But I want to start over. I want my own family and life. I just want to be happy. I want to be free from this emptiness. It's been constant for too long. I don't have a "home" right now. It's been 7 years. It's been 7 years and this loneliness has been constant. It doesn't come and go. I move along despite it. It's been there every waking moment of my life for 7 years. I've been praying for someone in every passing period I have, in every free moment I have, in every single moment I pray that I magically stumble upon a man who will see me. But, it doesn't happen. 22 years, 7 of which have been agonizing, painful, lonely.

That can drive anybody crazy.

Law School

So, I moved. I came somewhere I don't know anybody. My dream for moving out was a little different. Everybody I loved would be around me. I'd love everyone. I'd make up for lost time. I'd hangout with those who have been waiting for this very day. Instead, I know nobody. I am stuck reading in my apartment, and communicating with people I don't love. Life is weird. I didn't imagine it this way. I should've gone to SMU. But then, I'd never get out of my comfort zone. There's still a chance. We'll see how this year goes. I'm always looking forward to the future. I think it's time I enjoy my present.

IDK

You know that feeling.
I think everybody does.
That feeling when you're looking into someone's eyes
Not listening to what they're saying
But imagining scenarios
If things could be different.
Imagining what it would be like if he leaned down
Imagining what his lips would feel like
Imagining how his body would feel against mine.
Wondering if he's thinking the same
Wondering if long phone calls and endless laughter
Mean anything to him.
Wondering if he feels the same connection.
Wondering if he means anything by all of this
By the time he stops talking I just smile
Pretend like I heard something he said.
I just try to keep the conversation going
Because talking is better than nothing.
Knowing my luck
It really is nothing
I'd rather stay delusional a few moments longer.
A day in the life
Of my boring life

Know Yourself

Every day, we see ourselves in the mirror. We have seen our appearances from childhood, changing slowly every single day. Obviously, we don't recognize these changes because it's very slow, very gradual. We get used to the "new" version of ourselves before we even realize it has changed. Because we're so used to ourselves and what we look like, we are the most critical of ourselves. We see flaws that others don't recognize...flaws even your significant other or even mother can't detect. They're there though and sometimes we let these flaws consume us. What we have to realize though is that where you see ugliness, others see the whole picture-they don't see anything as gross or ugly as you see. They don't look at the small scar you have by your ear, they see your adorable smile. They don't see that your hair may be a little uneven on the side, they just see an adorable face. The way you flip your hair or the way you laugh; others see things like that. The insecurity you're feeding; the hatred you're developing for yourself is only yours. You're hurting yourself. It's not something anybody else notices. It's not something you can change. Therefore, we need to stop looking at the very small flaws as huge disastrous entities. We need to learn that loving ourselves is the most important thing we have to do. With self-love comes confidence and when we're confident we can accomplish the hardest of tasks. 

I'm writing this mostly for myself; but also because of what friends have told me recently. I have had to work really hard lately to convince myself I'm not 'ugly'. It's very hard but I'm doing it. Every day, I'm fighting and getting help on fixing this part of myself. I used to look at very small things and be disgusted with myself. I'm telling you, I'd look at a picture of myself and get annoyed with how my hip looked or something--very dumb details. I realized though that others really don't care...they just don't!!! I need to take better care of myself and the same goes for all of you!

Stay beautiful, reader.

Decisions Decisions Decisions...

I'm normally good at making decisions--I've very decisive. I will quickly weigh all options in front of me and go with a decision and stick to it. I don't usually go back and change my mind...if I do there's good reason behind it. But if the law school process has taught me anything it's that it will make you question everything about yourself. This past week I visited a few law schools I'm considering. It has helped me somewhat but now I'm confused in other ways. Before I went, I wasn't sure what school to choose based on proximity to home, experiences the school can offer me, how the school is ranked, and what kind of an education I will get there. Now, I am confused about the locations of the schools.

I started the week off by landing in Boston, Massachusetts. I love big cities. I love the hustle and bustle of daily life. And more importantly, I love being surrounded with people and life. Naturally, I fell in love with Boston. I knew I would like the city and I had previously visited many big cities but there was a different feeling in Boston. I knew I could call that place home. I was intrigued with every inch of it. The history, the life, the beauty, and the age of the city all fascinated me. Unfortunately though, I could not see myself at the school I've been accepted to in Boston. I was a little disappointed because I wanted to love the school so badly. I wanted to be sure that Boston is definitely the place I would end up but it didn't work that way. That school had not been the school to which I wanted to be accepted anyway. I knew I still wanted to go to BU. My number one law school has always been Boston University. I have always wanted to attend that school but lost hope in being admitted after my LSAT scores were released(I'm not a good test taker). While I was there, I decided to visit their admissions office anyway. What did I have to lose? I absolutely LOVE that school, the city in which it is located, and the people of the area. I knew I wanted to live in Cambridge and attend BU. I have had a plan for a while. That has always been the goal. I just so happened to run into the head of communications who led me to the admissions office urging me to speak to them. I did not have an appointment but happened to run into the associate dean of admissions. I spoke with her for about 15 minutes. I hope that helped because I still have not received my decision. Maybe that conversation swayed them into allowing me to attend their school? She told me to contact her if I hadn't heard back from them in a week and a half. Tomorrow marks a week since my conversation with her. I am getting very antsy. If BU accepts me, my decision will become very easy. It will be an expensive decision--but it'll be one I don't think I'll regret. It will become almost a given that I will be moving to Boston later this year. However, I don't know yet. I will contact her soon and I have a renewed faith that I will be offered acceptance. Inshallah.

"If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"

The second school I visited was the University of Richmond in Virginia. That school is beautiful. It's big, it gives me countless opportunities and networks to make it in Virginia or Washington DC, whichever I prefer. Its campus is large and beautiful and the faculty is so nice I was shocked. I didn't know people that nice even existed. But, I just can't see myself living in Richmond. it's too small...too quiet. I realized I'd be happier in Dallas, where there is life. Richmond was so quiet. It gave a small town feel even though it is a capitol city. The stores in Richmond started closing at 8 PM. It depressed me a little bit. I felt heavy-hearted here. I wanted so badly to love it after seeing that the school I am guaranteed a position in Boston was not for me. However, I was let down. I am trying to force myself to want it as badly as I want BU. I wanted to want a new and exciting city. I don't know what I'll do. While I was in Richmond, I took a trip to Washington DC with my mom and sister. Now THAT city is gorgeous. It's beautiful and everything you could ever hope for in a city. That was the one thing that is swaying me to U of Richmond. It's close to DC. The connections I could establish near DC would be life changing. If I could move to that city, I wouldn't even have to leave campus that often. Virginia has so many historical areas--which I love. It is way cheaper--both the school and overall cost of living. So there are definitely pros to Virginia. I don't know what to choose. I just wish BU would get back to me sooner. Once they give me their decision, I will be able to make my own decision. The deadline is in a month so I'll know what to do in a few weeks.


I cannot wait.


I am going to be a lawyer.

Rant

What does "normal" even mean? We're all different...there isn't a guide you have to follow when you're living your life. That would just be pointless. People around me always call me weird, especially my father. My parents always criticize me. They tell me I have to change my personality if I want to keep my friends or have a relationship ever in my life. They say I'm too "boy-ish" and that nobody will like me...but who made those rules?! Who said we have to fit a certain mold or be a certain way for people to like us? Right now, he told me I need to change how I walk, how I talk, how I laugh, my interests, and my facial expressions because they're all unlikeable for a girl. WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN?! Why would I even want to be like everybody else anyway???

The notion that men and women have to act a certain way pisses me off. That's definitely not true. Be you. Be unique. Be fun. Be who you want to be!